C-Flo Tackles Duck Face

“The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.”

–Fred Astaire

You’re a little girl, or you think you’re a little girl, or you wish you were a little girl, or you’re really self-conscious about how old you’re getting and you’re desperate to feel young and fresh. Regardless of which of these maladies you suffer from, let me assure you it’s impossible for making an infantile kissy face to enhance your sex appeal.

“Oh C-Flo, they’re just having fun,” you may be saying. No, they’re overcompensating for the pandemic of insecurity sweeping the globe. Look, if you’re actually a little girl, then do whatever you want. If you’re trying to be sexy, you’re doing it wrong. Severely wrong. You’re advertising to the whole world that you’re not emotionally ready for a serious relationship, you’re an airhead practice girl for douchebags.

There are consequences to your actions. We live in an era that favours litigation and blame over responsibility and accountability. But, any quality guy I know laughs and disregards a “woman” as soon as she’s guilty of this facially-contorted trespass into the hinterland of random bimbos. Young, old, I’ve seen every demographic guilty at one time or another, except the confident and well-adjusted.

It’s tough being a woman. The media places unrealistic ideals on you. And the message isn’t even consistent. Supermodels are bony, but porn stars are busty and bootylicious. But you can’t be fat! Even though women have a greater propensity for fat accumulation, and they’re the gender that has children, and they have all the estrogen, and big tits are just a big pile of gristly fat unless you’re paying your hard-earned money for them.

It’s each woman’s job to sort through all the bullshit. Work with what you’ve got. You’re at least fortunate to be able to have unlimited clothing types and makeup tricks at your disposal, which ugly guys simply don’t have available. Or, don’t give a fuck about what anyone thinks and just do whatever you want. As long as you’re confident, and you’re proud of who you are, and you love yourself. Not in a narcissistic way of course, but self-loathing is devouring our society like Pac-Man. If you sincerely, genuinely love who you are, then you’re set. Ignore what the media tells you to like, especially the mainstream media. There are bands, songs, facts, hobbies, movies, shows, and documentaries out there that will never make the Billboard Hot 100 or win an Oscar or a Grammy. You are unique and beautiful and awesome and you may just need to decontaminate yourself from the pollution of mainstream cookie cutter interests. So, what’s your first line of defence?

A smile. A smile. A smile. The power of your smile simply cannot be measured. When people insult your looks, or tease you, or make fun of you, or bully you, or question why you’re not into whatever cool thing other people are into, stare them dead in the eyes with a big smile on your face. It’ll really throw them off. When you’re smiling confidently at someone, you take away all of their power. What are they going to do? Nothing, that’s what. Look at them with amusement and pity. Know that they’re a quivering mass of insecurity, and they derive the little bit of comfort in their lives from blending in with a homogenous majority. You are better than them.

Do you see why I hate duck face so much, more profoundly than a simple visceral hatred? It replaces your number one tool for confidence and beauty with a vacuous pantomime that betrays you as ugly and immature. It aligns perfectly with the culture of entitlement kids are growing up with, in that they don’t even need to do anything that takes an ounce of effort, ever. You can’t do a duck face incorrectly; however, you could theoretically have a goofy smile that people might call you out on! The horror! The obsession with not doing anything that could make you stand out, or leave you susceptible to ridicule, is killing you.

Parents who run kids’ soccer leagues and don’t keep score are severely damaging our youth. Today we have the phenomenon of parents blaming teachers instead of their kids when the kids screw up. Suffice it to say, it happens, and it’s the reason that a simple children’s soccer game can’t keep score anymore. I highly recommend Sebastian Maniscalco’s stand-up comedy masterpiece What’s Wrong With People? for some excellent insight on this issue. The point is, unscored soccer games and giving every kid a passing grade and all of this new age garbage just teaches kids that there are no consequences to anything. How can we expect them to work hard and use condoms and drive sober when you’ve told them they’re invincible? How can we expect them to savour life when they realize that the sports and schools you put them in were just going through the motions and killing time? How can we expect them to sense danger when they’ve never been exposed to risk?

Duck face is a symptom of today’s society. It is a manifestation of the lack of security, confidence, and accountability that afflicts today’s young people. It is a way to sluff off responsibility for presenting yourself to the world in a manner which is best for you and best for building a better society. Ladies: We need you at your best.

Fuck the duck.


C-Flo Tackles Tipping

“Ever notice that former restaurant workers tend to be generous tippers?”

–Jacqueline Burt

I often hear people, especially older generations, complain about tipping. It’s too much extra money, it’s unnecessary, the wine was overpriced (seriously). So let’s talk this out.

If you ever complain about tipping being expensive, don’t expect any sympathy from me.

Look, if you’re going out in a part of the world where tipping is customary, prepare to pony up. Going out is expensive. The cost of libations and nosh has increased at a much faster rate than wages have. This is the reality. Whining about normal tipping percentages, or ludicrous margins on alcohol, is stupid. There are tons of options available. Vote with your feet. And if you live somewhere without a ton of options, why do you live there? You must love it there and not care about restaurant variety, or you wouldn’t have taken pride in your slower pace, and getting away from it all, and being off the grid. Right? Otherwise, vote with your U-Haul.

When it comes to tipping: This is the cost of going out. By bringing in a large party, you take up all or most of a server’s time, and large groups are notorious for undertipping or underestimating what each person owes. Automatic 15-18%+ gratuities on large parties are necessary to combat the selfish and the cheap. Think about how and why the system works, rather than trying to slip through the cracks unnoticed.

Additionally, servers tip out to the bartenders, waitresses, doormen, bussers, and kitchen. These tip outs are usually based on sales, not tips, as they should be. To illustrate what this means, if a server were to not be tipped on their only table, a large party, they would still tip out. This would come out of their minimum wage, and they would have worked that shift for an illegal wage, or in some cases, nothing. It’s all about incentivizing good service.

If we moved to a non-tipping system, food, drink and especially alcohol would see increased prices to pay for the increased wages. Furthermore, there would be no incentive to give good service, as a quick stop by a typical crack staff of motivated non-commission individuals can show you.

I’m not in the gastronomical service industry anymore. But I think it’s important to have perspective and look into why things are done, instead of resorting to knee-jerk solipsistic victim complexes. Grow up and stop being cheap if you’re going to go out in public. I haven’t eaten Kraft Dinner since 1984, so there’s plenty left for you to buy.